Church Bulletin Bloopers

got the following in a local fellowships '90s style mass email/spam lol

> Subject: GREAT CHURCH BULLETINS
>
>
> Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
> These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church 
> bulletins or were announced in church services. The last one is 
> always the best....
>  --------------------------
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> --------------------------
> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon 
> tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
> --------------------------
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of 
> those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> --------------------------
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at 
> someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care 
> much about you.
> --------------------------
> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> --------------------------
> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving 
> obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> --------------------------
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a 
> nursery downstairs.
> --------------------------
> Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all 
> the help they can get.
> --------------------------
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the 
> church So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> --------------------------
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 
> Music will follow.
> --------------------------
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is 
> Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> --------------------------
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of 
> several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> --------------------------
> Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be 
> recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> --------------------------
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased 
> person you want remembered.
> --------------------------
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment 
> and gracious hostility.
> --------------------------
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
> --------------------------
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They 
> may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> --------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across 
> from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> --------------------------
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation 
> would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next 
> Sunday.
> --------------------------
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use 
> the back door.
> --------------------------
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the 
> Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to 
> attend this tragedy.
> --------------------------
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. 
> Please use large double door at the side entrance.